i make medical breakthroughs in my spare time

Journal of Experimental Neurology, Vol. 1, No. 1, 1-10 (2008) DOI: 10.1177/0891988712323784

The Direct Interchangeability of Non-REM Sleep and Caloric Consumption for Maintenance of Physiological and Neurological Function

Daniel P. Slowey, PhD*, MD**

Abstract: The statistical data gleaned through several weeks of rigorous clinical (self-)study has confirmed the author's hypothesis that there is a direct interchangeability between the number of hours of sleep and the number of calories required for maintenance of baseline motor skills and behavioral function in (physically) healthy adult males.

Specifically, the author has discovered that for every marginal hour of non-REM sleep lost, he needs only to increase his total caloric intake the next day by approximately 370 calories in order to remain technically alive. This relationship holds true as hours of sleep decrease past zero into negative values. For instance, although last night he slept -2 hours, since 6 am this morning, he has eaten ~2700 calories and is feeling astonishingly good. He also realized that he is able to control computers (and other electronics) using only his mind and actually typed this article just by thinking about it.

Key Words: sleep - brain - calories - baseline motor skills - (physically) healthy adult males

*Currently enrolled in the University of Phoenix Online PhD program with degree (Criminal Justice) anticipated May 2014

**Currently applying to various medical schools with matriculation hoped for in September 2009

so, um, does your dog watch lifetime?

(in case you have a low-resolution monitor or are just generally bad with image interpretation, the dog on the right is wearing a skirt.)

i'm not really that into dogs. it's not that i actively dislike them or refuse to be pleasant towards them or anything like that. it's just that, generally speaking, they don't do a whole lot for me.

however - and this is a big however - there are certain instances in which it's absolutely essential that i at least pretend to be interested in them. such instances include: (i) when i'm on an elevator (or in some similarly confined area), and someone's dog is sniffing, licking, humping, or trying to eat some part of my body; (ii) when i'm running from the police and a k-9 unit is chasing me down; and (iii) when the dog's leash is attached to an attractive female (human's) hand.

now, regarding (iii), and to a much lesser extent, (i), it'd be quite handy to be able to meaningfully comment on the animal in question without sounding like an idiot or insulting its owner.

problem 1(a): unless i'm totally missing something, the only way to do this with a dog with an unknown name is by using a gendered pronoun (ex: "oh wow, he's fancy," "look how smart she is," etc.).

problem 1(b): dogs typically aren't dressed in gender-specific clothing, and i'm not comfortable crocodile dundee-ing the poor things.

problem 1(c): any attempt to verbally ascertain the dog's sex will be offensive or awkward. or both.


don't believe me? check out these examples:


"aww, what's its name?" - (spazzy owners are offended by the use of "it," and if the dog's name is gender-neutral, the question doesn't get you any useful information anyway.).

"is it a boy or a girl?" - (nice and direct, no risk of having to deal with an ambiguous name like "blinky" or "sparkles," but the "it" problem remains.).

"wow, look at this little cutie/bundle of energy/special little buddy/etc." - (avoids addressing gender entirely, avoids the use of "it," but makes you sound like - oh, i don't know - scott hamilton? plus, it seems like a follow-up line would still be necessary, and that just takes the whole thing right back to square one.).


we could continue this list, of course, but i'm going to assume that you've gotten the point by now. anyway, if you have any suggestions or advice, for the love of all that's good, spread the wealth.

illustrated classics: a weekend in new york

before we get started, if you don't know what illustrated classics are, drop everything, go here, order three or four (i'd recommend h.m.s. bounty, count of monte cristo, and robin hood for starters), read them, and then come on back. most of the time when i make an allusion, it's quite nerdy and is largely for my own amusement. this time, even though both descriptors still apply, i'm going to have to ask you to get fully on board. thanks.

anyway, so i got back pretty late sunday night from my trip to new york. here are a few photographs i took or forced other people to take along the way.

(friday, about to depart for hartsfield-jackson, freshly touched up and ready to dance.)

(i used to think that the only people who walked into the opposite sex's restroom were total idiots. actually, i guess i still think that.)

(i'm not sure if i think the woman on delta's flashy new pre-flight safety video is creepy or sexy. maybe both. i am sure that if this image became the new universal women's restroom sign in place of that skirted silhouette nonsense, there'd be a whole lot less confusion out there.)

(felipe lopez, my gracious host, in his new bachelor pad in brooklyn. for those of you keeping score at home, that's one photograph, two wild stallions. ps - how incredible is his 4-eyed tiger shirt? (so incredible.))

(here i'm just introducing myself to felipe's apartment with a 24-karat jumpkick handshake. this only took three takes and i only sprained one ankle. ps - if you didn't duck when it first popped up on your screen, you should probably have a physician check your reflexes.)

(some girl at the radiohead concert was apparently trying to upstage me with her (feeble) silver shoes. you might be on the medal podium with me, missy, but they're playing my national anthem.

(this picture isn't good for much except to prove that i was somewhere with bright purple lighting.)

(and bright green lighting. at least the downtown skyline is off to the right in this one, so it proves i was somewhere near new york with bright green lighting.)

(minus 10 points for having brighter gold shoes than me. plus 150 points for having gold shoes in the first place. plus an additional 50 for taking me to an amazing arepas place. +190 is an awesome score for a month; for a day it's nearly unheard of.)

(the much-renowned and extraordinarily reclusive food&pantsman, standing outside the flushing restaurant that was about to serve me one of the 5 greatest meals of my life.)

(appetizers: dan-dan noodles with minced pork (l); cold jellyfish chengdu style (r) (i'm guessing "chengdu" means "fancy and awesome" in mandarin) on my notoriously harsh 10-point scale, i'd put the dan-dan noodles at an 8.0 and the jelly at a 9.25.)

(simply one of the most delightful culinary experiences of my life: dried sauteed bitter melon. it tasted like a cross between bell peppers, cantaloupe rind, avocado, heroin, and ambrosia. 9.75.)

(the main entree: fish with fresh hot pepper. there's nothing to say except this was the most delicious crackly toasted red pepper i've ever tasted in my life. astonishingly good. 9.5. not pictured: the other entree we ordered, chinese mushroom with beef stomach. why not pictured: we never got it. why not: no idea. when we asked the waitress about it, i think she misunderstood something, because she looked worried and brought the manager to talk to us, at which point we definitely misunderstood something, because the manager was smiling and said "ready" but that obviously wasn't the case. i don't even care. i'm giving the mushroom and stomach a 7.5 anyway, just as a goodwill gesture.)

(i'd just like to say that two guys have to be pretty confident in their heterosexuality to be walking down the street drinking bubble tea together. while sharing an umbrella. and holding hands.)

(sunday, on my way to jfk, freshly scuffed up and ready for some runway delays.)

bonus brooklyn post

this weather search was done sunday at about 11 am, so either google's thermometer is calling its meteorologist a liar or someone's trying to trick me into wearing my emergency travel poncho on a sunny day.

an internet miracle

hi, i'm not at my computer right now. i actually haven't been at my computer in about 36 hours. where am i? i'm glad i asked on your behalf. i'm here, visiting this guy, watching a baseball game with most of these clowns plus one (or two?) of these ones, checking these guys out at this, saying hello to her, grabbing a delicious meal with him, all the while showcasing these as energetically as possible.

but - as i'm sure you're asking yourself - if i'm all the way up there doing all of those other things, how did this post happen this morning? how did this post happen at all? well, to be frank - and i'm nothing if not frank - it's a long, burdensome tale that really has no place on a saturday morning, so i won't bother you with it. instead, let's just take a moment to reflect on the magic of the internet and to bask in this transcendent trick it's just made possible.

see you monday!

an inexpensive - if somewhat optimistic - vehicle anti-theft system

cash4gold round 2

so yesterday i finally got the cash4gold refiners return pak that i'd requested a few weeks ago. yes, the main envelope actually says "your road to cash has begun."

(yeah, well your road to getting a bag full of spraypainted rocks has begun)

in keeping with the original plan, earlier this afternoon i spraypainted some gravel and dirt to make some gold dust.

(try to tell me that this wouldn't have faked out half the rustlers in the wild west. if it doesn't work on cash4gold, i'm definitely trying the pawn shop down the street.)

i then packaged it according to the 128-point font "1. place," "2. enclose," and "3. seal" instructions, and the whole thing will be mailed out tomorrow in the special pre-printed, pre-paid envelope.

(that the bag isn't fully transparent can only help my cause)

(as you may or may not recall, when i applied for the refiners pak, i used the name and email address of 'arlene mangualcolon,' a spammer offering to sell me hot replica rolexes. what goes around comes around, etc.)

honestly, i'm not even looking for a personalized response from cash4gold. all i need is a form rejection letter and it's on. by the time i'm about 10 letters in, debating just how legally binding "we. . . buy any item you feel may contain gold or platinum" (italics mine (of course)) is, i'm betting they'll be ready to cut arlene and me a check as big as if the stuff actually were a couple of pounds of fort knox's finest.

still, even if i don't ever hear back from cash4gold, i'm already certain to come out way ahead in all of this. how's that?

well, if they say that idle hands are the devil's workshop, i guess maybe they'd say that idle hands holding a nearly-full can of gold spray paint are the devil's chemical weapons lab.

...


...

bam!

(if you don't think i'll wear these in public, ideally in the company of easily-embarrassed people, you don't know me very well)

yes, that's right. i now own the flashiest pair of shoes in a city that has to rank in the top 3 worldwide in terms of ostentatious footwear. if anyone asks, they're called the 'air midas,' this is the only pair that nike ever made, and i'll sell them for 10 grand.

what about the shoelaces?

(when the light hits them just right, they look like magical fiery serpents)

that's what about the shoelaces. trust me, they're shiny enough to hurt your eyes if you aren't wearing protective eyewear.

finally, for those of you that read the times article from friday's post, you can't help but be thinking about how much attention these wondershoes will be drawing to my presumptively nice ankles. trust me, it's all i've been thinking about all day too.

unfortunately, as much as i'd like to post a delicious photo or two, this is a family website, so i'm afraid you'll just have to use your imaginations.

looks like someone beat you up and stole half your pants

shorts can be very useful and exciting.

they allow people with giant calves to wear something other than robes when they go out in public. they enable everyone else to go swimming and slip-and-sliding in something other than jeans. they singlehandedly made it possible for larry bird to set the record for the world's whitest thighs.

because of this undeniable usefulness (calfpeople, everyone else) and excitement (white thighs!), shorts have their proper time and place. the gym? yes. an amusement park? sure. on famous soccer players who shave their legs? why not? in the workplace, matched up with a tie and jacket? hopefully you didn't get lulled into answering in the affirmative. the answer is no. unequivocally no.

which brings us to the wacky-ass article in today's new york times style section, in which it's proclaimed that "shorts are no longer an office 'don’t' . . . these days they are downright respectable."

i guess i could ramble on for a few more two-sentence paragraphs as to all of the reasons why shorts absolutely remain an office 'don't' (at least for those of us who 'do' want to keep our jobs) and why shorts suits are not - and never will be - anything approaching respectable.

or, i could spare you the unnecessary effort of reading all of that and just let the article's picture hang its own thesis.

(and there you have it. anyone else think the clown on the far left doesn't look like he's setting a new trend in workplace fashion as much as he looks like he was taking a nap in a cornfield and got run over by a combine harvester? the other two don't look much better, by the way; i just don't know the names of any other farm machinery.)

this is what scrambled eggs would look like

if they lived in salem, massachusetts in the summer of 1692 and a few of their neighbors all came down with particularly virulent cases of typhoid fever in the same week.

it's also what they would look like if the genius responsible for cooking them decided to prioritize writing hilarious facebook messages over monitoring the frying pan.

congratulations to everyone who just finished taking the july '08 bar exam!

here's hoping that you all fail, causing a massive workforce shortage, making me valuable by default, allowing me to successfully stage a holdout this fall for double fifty times my salary, and enabling me to retire within six months.

california (and other 3-day state) testers, you'll get yours tomorrow.