things that i shouldn't have to try to live without

the following is a list of a few items that - it is possible - might not be absolutely necessary to my biological survival. of course, in matters of survival, it is always prudent to err on the side of buying yourself nice things.

because i usually wait for national holidays (or other special occasions) to give myself gifts, i've been in a bit of a dry spell lately. nevertheless, i'm happy to report that the calendar tide is now turning in my favor. i expect to have treated myself to this entire list within about six weeks.

cinco de mayo is tomorrow, so that's #1. mother's day is just a few days after that (my mom is happy when i'm happy, so me getting a gift is like her getting one too), so that's #2. memorial day and jfk's birthday are only a couple of short weeks later (if google calendar says jfk's b-day is a national holiday, then it is), so there's #3 and #4. then, i finish the list off with a flag day/father's day back-to-back self-gifting weekend extravaganza. #5 and the as-of-yet-undetermined #6! i love flag day!

anyway, here's the list. please don't buy any of these things for yourselves until i get them. thanks.

1. the tokyoflash oberon watch

this marvel of timekeeping technology displays the time on its beautiful black stainless steel face with a series of leds. the outer ring is the hours, the inner is the single minutes, and themiddle is the tens of minutes.

various shortsighted fashion advisors of mine have variously referred to this watch as "hideous," "ugly," and "confusing," and one even took the liberty of editorializing with a "if you were still in 6th grade, you'd be the coolest kid in the class."

well, here's a newsflash for all of you naysaying debby downers: i want to look like the coolest kid in a sixth grade class. alternatively, i want to look like i kicked the crap out of iron man and stole his watch.

[price - 14,900 yen = $150. shipping - free!]

2. 1.3 mp spy camera sunglasses

no, i do not wish i were a comic book superhero.

yes, i wish i had a way to more discretely take pictures of other people doing ridiculous or embarrassing things.

while these babies might actually not be terribly discreet until people at work get used to seeing me wearing them indoors, i'd like to think that my (forged) note from my optometrist describing them as medically necessary should cut through any red tape i might otherwise face.

[price - $99. shipping - not free.]

3. le creuset square grill pan

see? i told you that my wishlist wasnt confined to nerdy superhero sci-fi stuff.

i mean, what comic book character uses a grill pan? (saying something like pan-man or the panimal, etc., will not be credited to you in a positive way).

seriously, though. can you even imagine the culinary delights that this apparatus would finally put within my reach? grilled steaks, grilled veggies, grilled pasta, grilled yogurt; it's dangerous to even think about, really.

special bonus points for my color choice being called "flame." (it's an online store exclusive).

[price - $110. shipping - also not free.]

4. ural gear-up sidecar motorcycle

as the website says, "the gear-up combination is as tough as a russian ak-47!"

what the hell does that mean? i don't know, but i plan on finding out. very soon.

i especially love how part of it is done in woodland camo, and the rest of it is in neon tangerine. it's like the ural company started off by trying to make this a discrete vehicle, and then was like, what the hell are we doing? it's a sidecar motorcycle!

bonus points for (sorta) matching my new grill pan.

[price - $13, 599. shipping - irrelevant. i'm flying to the factory to pick it up so i can drive it home]

5. manface moustache powerwax 5-pack

i mean, if you have a sidecar motorcycle, you've got to have a big-league moustache, right? like streaming in the wind and such as you drive around in your leather aviator helmet with the flip-down goggles, right?

right. and if you're looking to properly protect that serious moustache, you know that standard over-the-counter all-purpose waxes simply wont do.

you need the prescription strength of manface brand moustache powerwax, and you need it in bulk. that's where the 5-pack comes in handy. one for your ride, one for your bomber jacket, one for your home, one for your lady's purse, and one to be cleverly concealed in the body orifice of your choice (for emergency purposes only).

[price - $19.95. shipping - free!]