So yesterday I finally got the Cash4Gold Refiners Return Pak that I'd requested a few weeks ago. Yes, the main envelope actually says "Your road to cash has begun."
(Yeah, well your road to getting a bag full of spraypainted rocks has begun)In keeping with the original plan, earlier this afternoon I spraypainted some gravel and dirt to make some gold dust.
(Try to tell me that this wouldn't have faked out half the rustlers in the Wild West. If it doesn't work on Cash4Gold, I'm definitely trying the pawn shop down the street.)I then packaged it according to the 256-point font "1. Place," "2. Enclose," and "3. Seal" instructions, and the whole thing will be mailed out tomorrow in the special pre-printed, pre-paid envelope.
(That the bag isn't fully transparent can only help my cause)
(As you may or may not recall, when I applied for the Refiners Pak, O used the name and email address of 'Arlene Mangualcolon,' a spammer offering to sell me hot replica Rolexes. What goes around comes around, Arlene.)Honestly, I'm not even looking for a personalized response from Cash4Gold. All I need is a form rejection letter and it's on. By the time I'm about 10 letters in, debating just how legally binding "we. . . buy any item you feel may contain gold or platinum" is, I'm betting they'll be ready to cut Arlene and me a check as big as if the stuff actually were a couple of pounds of Fort Knox's finest.
Still, even if I don't ever hear back from Cash4Gold, I'm already certain to come out way ahead in all of this. How's that?
Well, if they say that idle hands are the devil's workshop, I guess maybe they'd say that idle hands holding a nearly-full can of gold spray paint are the devil's chemical weapons lab.
...
...
Bam!
(If you don't think I'll wear these in public, ideally in the company of easily-embarrassed people, you don't know me very well)Yes, that's right. I now own the flashiest pair of shoes in a city that has to rank in the top 3 worldwide in terms of ostentatious footwear. If anyone asks, they're called the 'Air Midas,' this is the only pair that Nike ever made, and I'll sell them for 10 grand.
What about the shoelaces?
(When the light hits them just right, they look like magical fiery serpents)Finally, for those of you that read the Times article from Friday's post, you can't help but be thinking about how much attention these wondershoes will be drawing to my presumptively nice ankles. Trust me, it's all I've been thinking about all day too.
Unfortunately, as much as I'd like to post a delicious photo or two, this is a family website, so I'm afraid you'll just have to use your imaginations.
27 comments:
haha wow. i didn't think you were actually going to do it. you are ridiculous and fun.
if you're trying to use flattery to get me to email you ankle pictures, i must warn you, you're very likely to succeed.
I like how you have a very anti-establishment undercurrent to your personality. I say we overthrow the system.
we can use the proceeds from this operation to form a militia
At which point you march on the nearest states, declare that you are annexing the land for your kingdom, take over the local seats of power and Presto! you have your very own fiefdom!! Congratulations! Huzzah!!
Krissy
wow, you wanna be my secretary of defense?
What sort of perks are we talking about???
Krissy
hm, you mean aside from not getting sent to the gulag when we take over your state?
how about your own pair of golden shoes?
My state being quite some distance from yours I think you'll end up being nuked by the US Guvment before you get anywhere near it...
The gold shoes sound sweet tho...
Krissy
too bad i'm starting with the furthest-away states so that just a couple of battles in i already have the rest of the country surrounded.
i hate to burst your bubble but those can't be called the "air midas" because those shoes are from american eagle.
looks like someone just added her name to the 'not-invited' list for my cash4gold-just-mailed-me-a-$50,000-check party.
uh can you tell me what color is the paint.
i'm easily confused, so i must be missing something here.
i'm all about facts here. actual facts.
fine, i switched you back to the "invited" list, but let's try to keep that fact-checking to a minimum, especially if i'm about to sell these things to some fool.
I am one of the world's leading experts on gold and I would be totally fooled by this. Your money is guaranteed!
haha. everyone take a day off to celebrate!
I don't know if I should admit this, but I must. I. Own. Gold. Shoes. For real. I really do. And I bought them that way. Now, seeing your pictures, I'm worried. Have you made them before and sold them? If you did, I might have a slight problem on my hands.
Feel free to delete the extras. My eniac was working at an extremely slow pace and wouldn't let me know it had left the comment. It's getting revenge over possible talk of an upgrade.
as long as you didn't pay $10k for them, having gold shoes isn't any kind of problem.
great eniac reference. i make 3 or 4 eniac jokes a week and i can count on one hand the number of times anyone's had any idea what i was talking about.
you should send those shoes to cash4gold.com
10 to 1 you work in their package-opening department.
ok. agreed. you do know it says "official party starter" on my business card so putting me back on the "accepted" list was a wise idea.
welcome to the vip list
Yeah its a good idea to commit a scam and document it.
i didn't scam anyone but the fashion industry, and that's always a good idea
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