On the Twitter scene, if you somehow manage to enter the rarefied air of double-digit "followers," you're clearly doing something right. As you can see from the screenshot above, I've blown right past this threshold, and I don't show any signs of slowing down.*
With this affirmation of my status as both an Internet celebrity and a Web 2.0 expert, there comes serious demand for my input on social media protocol and related issues. Because part of the reason I have such a staggering number of followers is that I give people exactly what they want, I've created the following list of things not to post on Twitter. You are all welcome.
1. What you had for lunch. Unless you ate (i) roadkill, (ii) something that was still alive, (iii) roadkill that was still alive, or (iv) another human being (dead or alive), your meals are simply not that interesting to anyone else. Frankly, I'm not even sure that they should be that interesting to you.
2. What new program you're trying/book you're reading/movie you're watching - Other people don't care about the tedious minutiae of your life. If they do, they're related or married to you. Or they're insane. Either way, Twitter isn't necessary to communicate with them. Please elaborate upon why what you're trying or reading or watching is interesting, funny, or useful. Otherwise, kindly keep it (and yourself) to yourself.
3. What obscure tech startup you know about - Yes, Twitter was invented by tech nerds and is disproportionately used by them. That doesn't excuse self-satisfied proclamations of knowledge of random technology news. If you have something helpful to say, say it. If you just want to show off how big you think your pocket protector is, please go somewhere else.
4. Retweets - If you don't know what retweets are, good. If you do, hopefully it's not from personal involvement. Retweets are the electronic version of repeating someone else's joke, right after they told it, while they're still standing there. If you can't think of anything original to say, just relax. Really. Take a break. Go for a walk outside. Interact with some real people. Your Internet friends will still be there when you get back.
*This is especially true if I continue to create dummy accounts for the sole purpose of following myself with them.
11 comments:
What sort of PIG writes about their food on twitter? I mean, seriously, I dont want to know what someone eats at every meal. In some perverse way, that means I probably know what color their pee is and the contents of their bowels. On that note...
Ha. I actually make sure that she knew in advance that I was just joking. I'm not trying to upset the Southeast's #1 foodtweeter.
hey,
you're favorite Twins pitcher (you know, Perkins)is currently working on reading and reporting on The Yankee Years.
Pizza rolls. John Grisham. Solar calculator. I was talking to the duck.
good blog. i, especially, agree with numero uno
I am one of your followers. I hope you don't mind. Pip pip!
I don't know enough about Twitter to really speak on the subject but i do know somebody that blogs pretty consistently about the meals he eats. Just sayin
Anonymous,
Thanks for the update. I look forward to grading his book report.
steve.rood,
Stop that.
capricoy,
I figured you might. Breakfast - Coffee, two (light) creams, Smart Ones fiber muffin, six blueberry Propels.
Matt,
Mind? I've tattooed each follower's username in a list on my neck. Fortunately no one's chosen anything terribly inappropriate.
Blake,
Telling deliciously-photographed mealstories is very different from 140-character food listings.
Isn't it?
I have to say you're probably one of my most favorite people I've never actually met. You're posts = pure genius... Keep up the good work haha
Wow, I'm embarrassed... Definitely meant YOUR posts. Oops...
Amanda.Marie,
I'm typically most highly rated by people who never actually meet me.
Thanks for reading!
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