I'm delighted to say that I have very bad news. Not for myself, of course - I'm not insane - and not for you, either - how terrible a person do you think I am? - but rather for your cousin or your co-worker or anyone else obnoxious enough to believe that they're in possession of The World's Greatest Child.
Please don't get me wrong. I love children. I do. I just don't love entitled little brats or the preening, coddling parents who make them possible. This is why what happened during the Italy-Brazil match at the Confederations Cup soccer tournament this past Sunday was so wonderful.
There were actually two things.
The first was the Brazilian freak show (this could have an entirely non-wonderful double meaning) that, in combination with the surprising U.S. victory over Egypt, allowed us to sneak into the tournament semifinals. This was a truly amazing turn of events (if slightly eclipsed by Wednesday's stunner over #1-ranked Spain), but is completely irrelevant to our current discussion.
The second reason for the match's noteworthiness, however, is entirely relevant to us, for it was nothing less than the internationally-televised coronation of The Official World's Greatest Child.
I came perilously close to laughing myself into a heart attack when I saw it live, and I think Paddy might have had a minor seizure (sometimes it's hard to tell with him; he's a Silent Laugher). Fortunately, we both survived, and as amazing as the match and the day's results had otherwise been, it was still the only thing that either of us wanted to talk about afterward. I can't tell you how overjoyed I am to have found it online and to be able to share it with you now:
Incredible, right? Unquestionably The World's Greatest, right?
The determination, the enthusiasm, the delicate index finger recalibration of the Klondike stylus right before the forehead smear coup de grâce. I'm still speechlessly in awe of this young man, several dozen viewings later.
So let it be known - officially and conclusively - all you derangedly self-impressed, ceaselessly-trumpeting parents out there. Your little Harpers and Averys and Madisons may be good, they may be great, but they will never, ever be The Greatest.
11 comments:
Sad thing is, I bet that cost about $8 at the stadium, and instead of appreciating how great he is, his parents are upset that he's wasting his ice cream.
I wonder how much the ticket was for the game...It could be one of those MasterCard priceless ads.
that is one of the ODDEST good luck/rally/ADD moments ever. thank you cameraman who found the world's greatest kid!
(sidenote: paddy's a silent laugher? the slowriders are a stoic bunch...)
I think this means that face painting is officially out at sporting events.
The dairy skidmarks from him doing it earlier in the match are pretty funny but nothing tops him rubbing the BBQ sandwich all over his tits in the 73rd minute
What are the chances this kid was anywhere near the chair in your doctor's office?
I just instantly love him... it's hard to understand.
I think you should feel just terrible for making fun at the expense of a blind child trying to eat ice cream.
I have no words,just laughter...does that make me a bad person?
Okay because of this video you have boosted my popularity at work significantly and you might have more readers (I think they maybe more interested in you and not your brother and we deal more in your bother's crowd)
Anonymous - There's no way on earth any parents were there with him. That's an older brother job if I've ever seen one.
Betsy - You're right, but I feel like it'd be an even better Klondike commercial. Or a Big Brothers Big Sisters one.
Anonymous #2 - I don't even know if any cameramen were involved. I think the WGC just beamed straight into the feed.
Roscoe Jenkins - It's just a shift in materials used.
Blake - The WGC could have your tongue cut out for such a slur. Fortunately for you, he's too busy chowing down to be bothered.
absofsteel - That wasn't ice cream on that chair.
Anonymous #3 - There's nothing hard to understand about it at all.
Anonymous #4 - Brilliant.
Heidi A. - Most certainly not. Wait, you're laughing with him, right?
Anonymous #5 - I'm always happy to help with workplace popularity. Please feel free to use yours to install an ice cream machine in the copy room.
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