May The Flower Be With You, Part II: Penguins Patches

I didn't want to post these during the playoffs for fear of somehow jinxing their effectiveness, and I didn't want to post them last night for fear of celebratorily smashing my computer, but I've since settled down a bit, and I now feel comfortable unveiling the extremely-limited edition Penguins playoff stickers that I've been making for good luck over the last few weeks.

It all started when Sergei Gonchar (unofficially nicknamed "Baby" for resembling one much more closely than any 35-year-old man should) was injured in Game 3 of the series against the Washington Capitals. At the time, it looked like he would be out for the rest of the playoffs, so I decided to make a commemorative "patch" to be worn in his honor during future games, you know, like the ones that teams put on their jerseys when a player or coach or owner, you know, um, dies. *Cough.* This sounds much more morbid than it actually was.

Anyway, as soon as I designed the Baby Patch, printed out a bunch of copies on sticker paper, and began applying them to myself (and to my cohabiting Penguin fans), great things began happening. The team got back into the series, Baby made a miraculous recovery, and Richard Kiel's Caps were chased from the playoffs the way he once chased Shooter McGavin from the 18th fairway.

It was clear that I'd stumbled upon a previously-untapped magical ability to control reality.

I immediately started making additional patches to take advantage of my newfound power. They featured the favorite players of various family members and were inscribed with mostly-unfunny inside jokes. As this new batch continued to produce undeniably excellent results, things quickly escalated - or perhaps more accurately, were it a word, "descalated" - from there.

Have a look:

The original Baby Patch. It simultaneously makes me want to give him a rattle and myself a vasectomy.

The Jordy Patch. Don't worry, Ladies Of The Internet, I haven't switched sides. The story behind this one is that my youngest sister has a major crush on the second-youngest Staal, and was grossly offended by his omission from People Magazine's list of the 50 sexiest Canadians.

The Geno Patch. Created right before the Carolina series - I'll let you connect the dots as to what was responsible for the Conn Smythe-winning surge in his play that began immediately therafter - the caption here alludes to the unabashedly Pittsburghese shouts that greet his surprise visit to a local home in a commercial on FSN Pittsburgh. (Pronounced "Et's Jeenaheauw!")

The Geno's Parents Patch. The first non-players to make the cut, these two lovable Russians are the most joyous (and the most beloved) fans you'll ever see at a sporting event. Either one of them would be elected mayor in a landslide if they weren't too busy cheering and waving their towels and kissing surrounding fans to run.

The Jay Caufield Patch. This perfectly-biased, possibly-eyeless superstar of the Penguins Postgame Show gets so excited by the opportunity to (a) appear on TV, (b) talk about hockey, and (c) both (a) and (b), that he can't complete a sentence of more than four words without cutting himself off to make a newer, better point. The "Ask Jay" fan email segment at the end of the show is like kerosene on a wildfire.

The Reeky Teeky Patch. "Reeky Teeky" is short for "Reeky" is short for "Rico" is short for "Uncle Rico" is short for my tall-tale-spinning uncle who got slapped with the world's most perfect nickname after a particularly "entertaining" story about the time he was vacationing in Alaska and stole a giant salmon from a grizzly bear that he had just karate-kicked over a waterfall (or something to that effect). He's my mom's "favorite" relative, which is why she "loves" this picture of the two of them and "voluntarily" wore an extra-large version of the patch the first few games of the Finals.

The Paddy Patch. My youngest brother is one of those lucky people who looks cool, endearing, or, as in this case, downright deadly, in every old picture (I, on the other hand, am the exact opposite, which is why you will never, ever see a pre-2005 picture of me if I have anything to say about it). This patch deserves special honor, as it was singlehandedly responsible for the 3-goals-in-6-minutes gun show in the win-or-go-home Game 6 of the Finals.

The HBB Patch. Paddy's historical charm strikes again, if a bit more subtly, in this first of two Game 7 special edition patches. As a little guy, he received this rocking horse (enthusiastically ridden here by the older of my two sisters, another of the lucky ones) as a gift. Instructed to give his steed a name, he chose "Bucking Bronco." When prodded to change it to something that started with "H," to match the animal's brand, he didn't even blink before shooting back in the finest gunslinging tradition, "H-Bucking Bronco."

The Cesar Millan Patch. If you're facing ugly odds, if everyone is counting you out, if you're lost in a cave and your headlamp's just burned out, who on the planet could you possibly rather have at your side than the infinitely effervescent, 500-candlepower-smiling host of The Dog Whisperer? That's what I thought and that's why he's the star of the second Game 7 patch. PS - I'd just like to give myself a bit of a pat on the back for how expertly I excised the giant spazzy woman and her giant spazzy dog from Cesar's picture. PPS - If that fuzzy little guy doesn't make you want to immediately drive to the nearest zoo and kidnap a penguin, there's something so terribly wrong with you that Cesar might not even be able to fix it.

So there you have it.

A special celebratory series of post-Cup patches is currently in production, and once that's been completed, I'm thinking about turning my powers from the ice to the real world and from athletes I don't even know to people I do. So get in line. I'm happy to help any and everyone else right after I help myself. Now if I could just find a single old picture where I don't look like a total idiot.