Dear Everybody,
I apologize for having been mostly MIA the last few weeks, and I thank those of you who expressed concern as to whether I'd fallen off my couch and died. As you've no doubt surmised from the existence of this post, I hadn't.
There are a couple* of recent developments** that have been taking up a great deal of my time lately, and there's also been a possible breakthrough in the The Hardy Boys and the Case of the Rotten Spine,*** all of which I hope to be able to elaborate upon soon. For now, though, I feel like the most pressing issue is the publication of the following series of photographs. It depicts the latest amazing gift sent to me by my dear, brilliantly-shod friend, who, by now, is unquestionably The World's Greatest Overgifter.
There are two things to note in advance of the unveiling, however. Number one, some of these pictures depict extremely graphic violence and may not be suitable for all viewers. Number two, the reason that I look like a sweaty clown is that (a) I'd arrived at the photo shoot straight from a (tick-free!) wilderness hike, and (b) I look like a clown.
Okay, I think that's it. Please enjoy (or be horrified) responsibly and thanks again for the concern.
Talk to you soon, I hope,
J.D.
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This, I believe, is the intended use for what, I believe, is officially - and almost unthinkably blandly - called "The Massage Ball."
I think a more accurate name might be something like "The Spherical Iron Maiden."
As you probably imagined, it has both single- and multi-player settings:
As you probably didn't imagine, a broomstick and a bit of ribbon turn it into the world's largest and deadliest mace.
I'd like to say that this action shot didn't require about 15 takes, and I'd like to say that my lovely assistant didn't beat me up immediately afterwards, but, then again, I'd like a lot of things.
Speaking of which, I'd like to stop here, before you're all scarred for life and I'm added to the CIA's terrorist watch list.
Thanks again to The W.G.O. for such a wonderfully dangerous gift, and thanks for the first time to my assistant for her usual good humor and to Paddyboy for his stellar photography.
PS - Generally speaking, I hate at least 90% of photos taken of me. Ever since I turned into an anorexic Al-Qaeda operative, though, I feel like that percentage has dropped down to about 70%. Silver linings. Everywhere.
*I spent roughly $8 million dollars on the full Rosetta Stone Mandarin program (China may be taking over the world, but I'm taking over China), and I've been making sure to get (some of) my money's worth. **I am, finally and extremely self-consciously, attempting to write a collection of longer essays that, if it ever amounts to anything, would be called a "book," and if it doesn't, would be called a "self-indulgent diary." ***I won't know anything for sure until August 7th at the earliest.
15 comments:
First--Yay! you're alive!
Second--Awesome gift. Obviously from someone with great taste in footwear.
Third--I like your assistant's comforter. It's pretty.
Finally--The anorexic Al-Qaeda operative thing isn't as disturbing as the headband. Please do not resurrect it for any future photoshoots.
These pictures are creepy in so many ways. You look like a three way combo of Grizzly Adams, Sir Lancelot and Richard Simmons. That beard looks itchy, and how much longer does it have to get before it looks too creepy?
BK
Yay! You're alive!
Yay! You're still posting!
Please tell me where I can send a check so you can buy some new socks (and a razor, if I may be so bold).
I had a really bad case of the hiccups while reading this. Then I saw the second picture in the post and I was cured. Thank you.
You're back! It's either flattering or creepy that I put so much stock in reading your blog; you decide which.
I think you should market the Inflate-O-Mace. It's just too bad Billy Mays was never able to witness such a creation.
LCR
I think your beard has grown to the exact point where you could turn your head upside down and still look pretty much the same. That's got to count for something.
Hm...did you make edits on this post over the night? I seem to remember something about a backendectomy being needed. And did the percentage of pictures of you that you dislike move up from 40% to a sad 70%? Am I hallucinating?
With the invention of the swiffer and all its subsequent off-shoots (wet-jet, sweepervac, dust & shine) I truly didn't think anyone owned a broom anymore. Apparently your household hasn't been "giving cleaning a whole new meaning."
mmm9--Yes, he did edit his post! His assistant went from needing a "backendectomy" to beating him up, he added the CIA's watch list comment, and he did go from 40% to 70%.
There are some observant readers here, Joe Dude. Don't be a revisionist. :)
this brings back horrifying memories of when my big brother folded me in half and sat on me.
a+ to your lovely assistant for beating you up.
Joe D., you know I love you and all but what the hell is going on with those vintage Walt Williams socks you have on? I suggest you return them ASAP because Walt is pissed that you stole his swagger.
They look like volleyball socks.
Anonymous - 1. Very much so and thanks; 2. Agreed and really agreed; 3. Agreed again (this may be a record); 4. I make no promises
BK - I'll trust that the Richard Simmons bit is only because of the exercise/headband combo. The beard is not itchy at all (but the moustachio most definitely is). When it comes to a beard, there is no such thing as "too creepy."
sami - 1. Yes! 2. Also yes! 3. Thanks for the offer, but both would be superfluous to requirements.
Roscoe Jenkins - I'm delighted to have helped.
LCR - I'd rather be flattered than creeped; flattering it is. I'd love to market the I-O-M, but I don't know if I have enough purple ribbon.
Terrell - I actually accidentally poked myself in the eye with a hamburger yesterday cause I'd gotten crossed up.
mmm9 - You are most certainly not hallucinating, although you may be exceeding this website's recommended dosage.
Anonymous - One of my new Amish friends carpentried it for me.
Anonymous - You also may be in danger of OD-ing. The percentage changed upon review of additional photographs, the CIA watch list was a post-publishing development, and the assistant revision was due to me wanting to make sure that everyone knew that no assistants were actually harmed in the creation of this post. Thank you.
B-Lo - I said I'd been on a wilderness hike! They're my anti-poison ivy socks!
Anonymous - That's exactly what they are. Another contribution from my assistant.
anti-poison ivy socks. good thinking.
Your assistant picked a most wonderful sport. And socks, those have a lot of cushion. Mizuno is the family brand?
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