Protected

No matter how many times I look at it, the wording still just doesn't seem right.

Is the sign a misprint? Am I dyslexic? Is that even a socially acceptable thing to joke about?

I first saw it a couple of weeks ago, as I was taking a short walk around my parents' neighborhood. It was no more than five minutes after I'd passed the little boy, who, after sizing me up with a combination of fear and wonderment, exclaimed to his mother, "That guy looks like a cowboy!"

If I hadn't been so startled -- and delighted -- I'd like to think I'd have turned and shouted, "Howdy, Pardner!" at the little guy, pretended to fire off a couple of six-shooters, and tipped my imaginary ten-gallon hat. As it was, it was all I could do to stifle my decidedly-uncowboyish laughter and wave.

A few hundred yards later, as I was still kicking myself for not having responded in a more Wild Westernly fashion, I spotted it.

I guess I didn't really "spot" it as much as I "noticed" it. But even that probably implies a little too much consciousness of thought. Basically, I glanced at it while I was walking up a hill, which, in my current condition, is something I do about as slowly as the synapses fire in Kanye West's brain. With so much time to read it, ponder it, re-read it, and re-ponder it, I guess it's not much of a surprise that I convinced myself that something didn't quite add up.

At first, I'd figured that I'd just never taken the time to actually read one of these things, and that they all say what this one does. But they don't. They're everywhere, at least in the suburbs they are, and I've been paying much closer attention than I -- or any sane person -- otherwise might, but I still haven't found another that says the same thing.

Maybe you've seen one that does. Maybe you have one that does. Maybe I hate you.

Because, at least to me, the way this reads is ridiculous.* It's almost Orwellian.

"We have installed a system that will electroshock you in the throat if you cross an invisible line. "

Why?

"So you will be protected.

Hmm. From what?

*Zap!*

Also, henceforth, your name shall be written only in all capitals.

Um...why?

*Double Zap!*

Because it looks extra-protecty that way.

*For the record, yes, I suppose it's technically true that an Invisible Fence can "protect" a dog from vehicles, other dogs not within the electrified perimeter, and mailmen with pepper spray and/or bazookas. I will also readily acknowledge that I much prefer to be growled at by a dog in an IF yard than by one that's eating my arm off. Still, I'd like to think that reasonable people can agree that these things can be lumped in with spaying and neutering as Something That May Be Technically Best For Pets But Is Sort Of Insulting If It's Presented As A Nice Thing To Do For Them.