I am perfectly aware that most people wouldn't have any interest in being friends with me. Let's just stipulate that giant elephant out of the middle of the room right now.
Having done so, though, from time to time I feel compelled to share a few excerpts from my somewhat lengthy but entirely necessary List Of Things That Preclude Me From Being Friends With You.
Wait, I don't mean "You" like you, I just mean it in a general sense. We can still be friends, you and I.
Well, unless you do something from the List.
Speaking of which, here are today's entries, all prompted by actual experience within the last twenty minutes.
1. You have a bra on your car.
Really? The front of your car is really under such constant bombardment that you need to cover it up with a hideous pleather wrapper? And who ever decided that these things got to be called "bras," anyway? There aren't boobs underneath. They aren't sexy. If we're going to assign an arbitrary undergarment term to something so unpleasant, wouldn't something like "loincloth" or "jockstrap" be much more appropriate?
2. You own more than zero "Life Is Good" items.
If you're so desperate to publicly advertise to the rest of the world just how chilled-out and happy-go-lucky you think you are, how about you just give me all the money you've seen fit to blow on DollarStore-quality clothing and decals, and I'll tattoo an "I'm Awesome" stick figure wearing a beret on your forehead.
3. You regularly refer to the internet as "the internets" or "the interwebs" or "the intertubes."
I knew a guy back in high school who was always doing impressions of well-known lines from the Austin Powers movies. The first time he broke them out, it was pretty funny. The fifth time, it was okay. The tenth, it started to raise concerns that his brain had broken and he was no longer able to communicate on his own behalf. I'm not sure anyone ever spoke to him again after the twentieth time. You see, humor, particularly cutesy humor, needs to be fresh to be worthwhile. Jokey internet terms got stale about three years ago. You know how much I'd pay to never hear one again? "One million dollars."
16 comments:
Thank God I've never done, nor would I ever think to do, any of those things. So WE can still be friends. Whew!
Yay! We can still be friends! Of course, that would man I'm not anonymous anymore. That wouldn't be cool. :)
Here I am, thinking Joe Dude's out partying every night (that his body lets him) with his entourage, making it rain at the club. I think I'm a little off base here?
what does "make it rain" mean, and what exactly would it entail?
I'm proud to say that based on your above criteria, we can be friends should the opportunity present itself. And we can pretentiously join together in not being friends with people meeting one or more criteria on your list.
Well...I'm out. I was all fine and good until number 3 came around. Oh well, I was beginning to wonder how long it(our friendship) would last. We had a good run. Maybe someday, when I stop finding it (the internets) funny, our friendship will continue. Until then, I will have to enjoy your blog as on outsider.
Also, I've been thinking it over, and I find myself wondering if it was the same person who violated all of these rules in a 20 minute span, or if you managed to interact with three separate somewhat offensive people in 20 minutes.
I guess we can be friends. Amen, on the "Life is good" paraphernalia...if someone (the lady in the cube next to me) needs a sticker/t-shirt/keychain/mousepad etc. to tell them life is good, maybe life really is not as good as they thought.
I first had to google car bras to find out what they were, and then I had make sure I knew the true definition of "stipulate". These lists of what not to do in life only add to the great knowledge you present to your readers... thank you for making us smarter, one post at a time.
I dont even own a car.
Your friend,
Krissy
phewph! we can still be friends.
what does "make it rain" mean, and what exactly would it entail?
heh.
also, is it okay to refer to this as a "blag"?
1. I don't have a bra because I don't need one.
2. I don't have any " Life Is Good" apparel because life is GR-r-r-r-ate.
3. I don't quote Austin Powers although I can't promise that I haven't in the past and come to think of it I would love to use the "tripod" line someday. I'm more prone to reference rap lyrics or cartoon characters. (see 2.)
Do I still qualify for friendship?
Anonymous - I guess we'll take your anonymous word for it.
Anonymous - It's already raining in Pittsburgh.
Molly - Where are you from? 1950?
Sari - If you think the list is pretentious, I'm afraid your candidacy for friendship is called into immediate question.
absofsteel26 - "It's not you, it's me."
Sari - Three separate. The world is a frightening place.
Heidi A. - Indeed. Feel free to tell the cubicle-mate she's out.
Anonymous - It sounds like Google deserves at least half the credit.
Friend Krissy - That's only one for three.
lucy - I have no idea what that first word is, so I think I'm going to reserve judgment for now.
hungry joe(bu) - I don't think I have a problem with that.
Anonymous- 1. You or your car? 2. Uh oh. 3. I think the specific rappers and characters will be determinative here
So is nobody going to answer my question?
Molly--check Urban Dictionary. Or don't--your call. :)
To clarify, I don't think your list is pretentious. I just repeatedly get called pretentious for having a list. That behavior is on the list.
Molly--When you have a wad of cash and throw it in the air in a strip club, "making it rain"
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