Friday night I did something that made me feel a little bit uncomfortable.
Friday night I went to a Pilates studio.
It was strictly for the purposes of trying to find something, anything, that might make me well again, and I didn't wear a leotard or a tutu or those special grippy socks with the toes cut off, but I still had a hard time shaking the feeling that I was doing something very wrong just by being there.
The session itself made me feel even more uncomfortable.
I'm admittedly a bit oversensitive about my physical condition these days, but 50 minutes of straining and sweating and gasping at dumbed-down versions of what so many soccer moms and schoolgirl ballerinas were prancing their way through all around me didn't do much for my self esteem.
To be sure, it was a wonderful thing to have a new kind of therapy to try. To be surer, I've never been overly concerned about getting too in touch with my feminine side. Still, something about going to a Pilates studio, voluntarily and unrelated to any romantic endeavors, and gaining nothing but a polite, perfectly-postured beatdown, was too much for me to take.
I had to do something manly. Something really manly.
So, on the drive home from the studio, I did what really manly men do when they're driving and they have to pee but they're simply too manly to stop and find a restroom.
I peed in a bottle. While talking on the phone and changing lanes.
And this made me feel most uncomfortable of all.
Because, you see, as so often happens in the undertaking of really manly activities, things went horribly wrong and the bottle spilled all over my lap.
I won't go into the horrifying details, or at least I won't go any further into them, but suffice it to say that my masculine self-worth was most definitely not restored. Sore, shamed, frustrated, I turned to the only option I had left to salvage the evening and regain some measure of dignity.
I bought myself a pair of those amazing socks.
15 comments:
Because I am married, I have had the great privilege of witnessing the REALLY MANLY pee-in-a-container-while-driving maneuver in person, including the moment at which things went horribly awry. Two words of advice: Gatorade. Bottle.
First thing, kudos on the title, it made me laugh probably more than it should have. Second thing, I really hope you are kidding.
Tutu?? Really?? Who gave you the idea that anyone wears Tutus to a pilates class?? I am going to go ahead and assume you wore the correct attire despite your lack of pilates knowledge. Spandex pants?
Say it had gone successfully instead of horribly wrong. What do you do with the bottle. Poor it out in the front yard once you exit the car? Carry it into your house? Put it in the fridge? Cap it and put it in the cupholder in case you have to go again? I didn't know people actually did this since I've only ever seen it enacted on "Dumb and Dumber".
and that was supposed to be spelled *pour* just in case you had any confusion about my sentiments towards the pee bottle.
I hope you learned your lesson. Maybe you should start with yoga.
Don’t worry.
1) You have proven in the past you are quite manly. (see: http://www.blogonoscopy.com/2008/09/dan-slowey-rifleman.html)
2. You have proven you can live through worse. (see: http://www.blogonoscopy.com/2008/04/things-not-to-say-to-someone-with-bad.html)
And, at least your “unmanliness” has not reached THIS stage (see: http://www.blogonoscopy.com/2008/05/this-should-never-happen.html)
~LCR
A former boyfriend of mine used to go to my pilates classes with me, and he had a great time. There's nothing unmanly about it.
I'll skip the pilates and go right for the pee part. My wife and several other women I know pee a little when they sneeze.....Just don't cross that line sir.
BK
wow. apparently my bottle peeing skills are far superior to yours. i'm batting 1.000 (2 for 2).
Please tell me you didn't really spill it on yourself.
I, like anonymous #2, am curious what you were planning to do with that bottle of pee. I'm also wondering if you can be pulled over for that, and what the officer might say. O my wow!
By the way, I have a friend whose mom pee's in a jar in the car. (Not while driving though.) Not even kidding. I'll have to share this post with him so he can laugh about the "really manly" thing that his mom does. ;-)
I don't understand. Were you holding the bottle...is that necessary...(rhetorical don't answer that) I just dont understand how you can hold the steering wheel with one hand, hold your cell phone with another, and hold a bottle to pee in...not enough hands...ugh this post has just become plain pornographic...I keep thinking this has to be a fictional story...then I remember that you have also carved a strawberry and lit it...yes, this is all one sentence...don't judge me.
This post almost caused laughter with a pee!
Does your mother know you posted this?
kat - You are wise indeed. Gatorade bottles are unquestionably the peeing-while-driving receptacle of choice, when you plan ahead and thus have them on hand. All I had was an Aquafina.
Roscoe Jenkins - It should have made you laugh hard enough to pee yourself.
Anonymous - I'm going to go ahead and assume you're unfamiliar with the writing technique of intentional absurdity.
Poor Anonymous - I would, per standard procedure, have thrown the bottle out the window at the first car to cut me off or make an unsignaled left turn.
Anonymous - Maybe your mom should start with yoga.
LCR - Thank you for the slightly schizophrenic encouragement.
Molly - Are you sure he was a dude?
BK - Perhaps your wife could rig up some sort of permanent Gatorade bottle apparatus.
joe(bu) - It was my first strikeout in several dozen at bats. Keep your pride in check, rook.
Quite Amused - I'm afraid I can't satisfy your request, at least not truthfully. Your friend's mom sounds like she might need some professional help (not that I'm on to talk).
Confused - Ear shoulder phone squeeze, one hand on the wheel, the other hand on my...
bottle.
absofstee26 - Excellent. And be careful.
Anonymous - Objection. Relevance. (But no.)
Post a Comment